On days when you just want things to be {normal}.

I am openly confessing that sometimes I {my flesh} just want things to be normal. I don’t even know what that means….. Normal to what standard? No clue. Maybe I mean easy? But do I really {really} want that? Would I rather things be normal or would I rather choose to allow The Lord to use my pain/struggle/heartache to slowly draw me closer to Him?

There isn’t really a middle ground.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. ~ Matthew 7:13 {emphasis mine}

There are days that I wake up and pray that God has chosen to heal my son. That the word Duchenne did not exist. That planning for the future didn’t include door widths and wheelchairs.

Days that I hug my three littles and try to forget that one day one of them won’t be able to lift his arms up to hug me back.

Days that I don’t want to get out of bed. {And it is hard to be transparent enough to say these things}

Days that encouraging words are clouded by pain and the closing in of walls.

…and I allow myself to sit in those moments sometimes because this is my life. It is ok if I’m weak. Of course, I’m weak. It’s in the times that I allow myself to really feel  the depths of pain I’m experiencing {as opposed to plastering on the smile and pushing through} that God meets me there. He picks me up and whispers to me that I am not walking this journey alone.

If I deny my pain and pretend everything is all ok then I sacrifice the blessing of God molding me into His image.

In as much as I’d like to think that I really want normal…. I don’t . I want to trust in an awe inspiring God, who in my deepest hurt takes my burdens and transforms them into a beautiful story that is exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever imagine!

Normal is overrated anyway….

the beginning of a beautiful story

This week we traveled up to Ohio for Maddox to have his first visits with our new neurologist, Dr. Wong* at Cincinnati* Children’s. If you are wondering why in the world we chose a neurologist so far from home then let me be the first to tell you. Simply…because she is who we consider to be the best at what she does. Every.Single.Day neurologists tell parents who have just gotten a Duchenne diagnosis that there just isn’t anything they can do and to go home and love them. Sound crazy? Yeah..it pretty much happened to me so I can vouch for the fact. First of all there ARE things we can do and especially after today I feel more empowered than  ever to care for my son and advocate for his needs. #mamabearhere
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So, today was day one of two days of appointments here in Cincy. We first met with the physical therapist who checked M’s range of motion. She showed us how to do the stretches he needs every single night in order to keep him loose and so he doesn’t lose his range of motion so quickly. He will lose it but at least this will give us more time. We got the order to have his AFO (leg braces) made. He will wear these every night. Basically this keeps his ankle pointed up at a 90* angle while he sleeps. Again, with the goal of keeping that range of motion. That’s our biggest goal right now because as he starts losing it he can’t keep balance, and if he can’t balance then he loses the ability to walk as his muscles weaken. Overall she said he really is doing well and we were so thankful he tolerated all the pushing and measuring with out so much as a whimper.

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Next, we encountered a little God wink when we met Dr. Lee* who is interning with Dr. Wong*. Get this…she is from Korea and came here to study under Dr. Wong* so that she can go back to Korea and start a multidisciplinary clinic just like the one at CC. She totally gave Maddox the VIP treatment. She tried her best to engage Maddox by talking to him in Korean ; ) Bless him he had no clue what she was saying but I think he was intrigued. I wonder what was going through his little mind?? She even let him watch Pororo (Korean cartoon) on her cell phone.

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Anyway, Dr. Wong* did her exam and then timed Maddox getting up from the floor, climbing stairs, and running (his favorite). She seemed to overall impressed with his ability which was encouraging to us! We talked about our treatment plan and giving him a few more months before we start on steroids. That will give him a chance to grow a bit more because the steroids tend to stunt growth and he is so tiny as it is (less than 10 percentile). A huge answered prayer and a big weight was lifted off of my shoulder when she said that we did not have to do a muscle biopsy this visit. It’s just a really invasive procedure and painful. Praise God he spared Maddox on that one!

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We covered an in depth look at the error in his dystrophin gene. I mentioned before he has a point mutation in exon 36. We learned more about what trials are in the pipeline that will be able to help him should they receive FDA approval. Overall we covered way more information than you would ever care to hear here and she spent over THREE hours with us answering all of our questions. And we had quite the list….

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We absolutely know that coming here was the right decision for our family. I would encourage anyone whose child was recently diagnosed with Duchenne to do your research and don’t let anyone tell you that there is nothing you can do. There may not be a cure and this may be a terrible, awful, no good disease but there is ALWAYS hope!

Tomorrow Maddox will have his EKG and echocardiogram. Originally we were told that because of his age they would put him to sleep for the procedures. However, because of how well-behaved he was today she said she saw no need for that. Y’all he was a ROCK STAR! Another praise for that!!! We will also meet with the cardiologist on the team to discuss typical progression of the heart in Duchenne. Every step of the way we have received confirmation that bringing Maddox here was the right decision and are so grateful that God opened doors for us to be seen here and under the care of the best doctors in the country for this disease.

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I held it together all day except when we talked about the level of care for Duchenne boys in Korea…and I just had this moment where God whispered to me, “for such a time as this..” I know that if he was diagnosed when he was in Korea it is so likely that my son would have been institutionalized. And I broke down. God is good. Do you hear me?? I cannot even wrap my mind around what He has done for our family. Trust me when I tell you that when God calls you to something He is going to prepare you for it! If you asked me five years ago if we would ever adopt I would have laughed. 3 years ago… if we would ever be able to raise a child with a terminal illness? I would have said that I wasn’t strong enough. And yet here in the midst of this crazy storm I look at my son and I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that he is mine and that God chose us for this battle. Ironically, I would still say that I’m not strong enough. But you know what? I know  the ONE who goes before me and in my weakness He is strong. My son has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. He may lose the ability to walk, to use his hands, to breathe on his own but GOD is still good and no matter what we will praise Him through this journey. It’s going to be a beautiful story.

Counting it all as JOY

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Proverbs 16:9 ESV

 

The days continue to march on with words left unsaid here. Ultimately this was my little space to share and document our crazy, little life. I guess the problem in that is that a crazy little life rarely slows down long enough to be documented.  I adore looking back on our journey though and each time I visit I find myself sad that I haven’t take the time to truly show who we are here. For myself really…but for these 3 little ones also.

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We are entering a new “time” in our journey. One that could make us scared to step out on the water for fear of the unknown.

But our hope is found in a God who doesn’t fail us.

 A savior who promises to work all things for good for those who love Him.

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  And so we step….

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” And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Romans 5:5

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It is through that hope in HIM that we find strength and endurance for the road He has set before us.

It really is a beautiful road.

Full of everyday joys.

Of watching our littles grow.

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Celebrating each birthday and new accomplishment.

Reminding each other that time passes quickly.

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Spurring. Cheering. Teaching. Discipling.

In all honesty, we have no idea what we are doing.

But we know enough to seek knowledge from our Savior who promises to guide us.

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But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God,

who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

And we CHOOSE JOY through everything

{ the tears, the laughter, the pain }

Joy doesn’t come naturally during the difficult but no matter what the world tells you it IS a choice.

We choose to count it all as JOY!