Today our baby is 18 months old.
I miss him. Crazy, right? Since we’ve never met. But it’s true. A heart wrenching, pit in the stomach, longing that you just can’t shake. Not an hour, sometimes minute goes by that I don’t wonder what he’s doing.
In the midst of morning chaos with cereal bowls to fill, and little heads bobbing into their seats for breakfast I remember that we are short one bowl of cheerios.
When I load the car and glance into the rear view mirror, I see two sets of eyes reflecting back at me when there should be three. One sparkling blue, and two chestnut brown… and no matter what the morning rush is that day my heart sinks every time.
On days like today where one is at school and the other is home I listen in on the sounds coming from his room. Blocks, and robots, and dinosaur adventures and I think how that noise should be multiplied. How I should be calling to them to “play nicely” and peeping around the corner to exclaim how amazing their block tower is just as the littlest knocks it over. Instead there is just one little voice. One little voice who longs for his brother.
After dinner, and baths, and stories when they are all snuggled up in their beds they pray. Every night our son prays that his brother will come home soon and I often wonder if in his 3 year old mind he really even understands the concept. He has been praying it so long that I question whether it has become second nature to him…as mundane as brushing his teeth.
My daughter’s prayers are enough to make a grown man cry. I’ve seen it happen. She prays for each of us, right down the list. Then she adds “God, I want my brother to come home. Mama said I couldn’t feed him a bottle anymore because he will be too big. But last year she said I could. What is taking so long? Will he ever come to live with us? We miss him!” Sometimes when I let my mind wander off into the dark places I ask myself those same things. Then she prays for his foster family. That they love him a lot and that they take care of him. She longs for him just like we do.
The latest news from other Korean agencies is that the ministry has asked them to hold off on submitting EP’s “right now”. The “right now” is an undisclosed amount of time. I feel like I say this a lot but that has never happened before. Most years the 1st submission of the year happens on the first business day of the year. It’s January 12th…and nothing. No movement at all. Our agency has not informed us of this so we haven’t heard anything official but we wonder….
When we were first matched last year we were praying he would be home by his first birthday in July. Now, we are just praying he will be home by his 2nd.
But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day ~Habukkuk 2:3
When I find myself so frustrated at people, and governments and this whole process I have to remind myself how fleshly that is. What makes me believe that I get to decide in this? What makes me believe that my timing is better than God’s timing? Flesh,and sin, and doubt. The minute I take my eyes off of Him the floodgates open and my mind is filled with all of it. God doesn’t want that! He doesn’t want me to try to figure out every detail. He doesn’t want me to try to use the past to figure out what the Korean gov’mt will do in the future. His word clearly says,
“Forget about what’s happened;
don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? ~ Isaiah 43:18-19
He doesn’t want me to try to figure this all out with “head knowledge”. He wants me to live by discernment – revelation knowledge. I can only imagine Him looking down at me and thinking, “Oh, sweet thing. You are so clueless. Just take a deep breath. You are never going to figure this out. Just TRUST me!”
Trusting God means that even though I have no idea HOW He is going to accomplish it I know that He WILL . So, I have to say, “God, I can’t figure this out so I’m going to trust you to give me a revelation to get me through this and I’m going to step out of the driver seat.” So, today…that is what I’m doing. For far,far too long I’ve tried to analyze and control every variable of this situation and it’s caused me nothing but worry and anxiety. From now on out, I’m letting Him take over and listening closely to see what He has for me in this wait. I don’t want to miss what He is trying to teach me.
A fellow adoptive mama who is in the very same place in this wait we are in shared this from a devotional she read today:
“Trust me by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is My world: I made it and I control it. Your is a responsive part in the litany of Love…
When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My presence and My promises.” ~ Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”~ Isaiah 26:3
Happy 18 Months, Maddox Jeong-hwan! We love you and we trust God’s perfect plan to unite our family. We hope your day is filled with much happiness and that soon we can be there with you. All our love from across the ocean.